The housing complex that I live in has a circle that I follow to walk and pray. Usually after I have completed one circle and am ready to arrive back at the house, I feel the Lord prompt – go with me two. I realize the first circle has only served to and quiet and still my own running thoughts, I have not yet heard from Him. And so I begin the walk again.
Today the second circle showed me my own footsteps in the sand. I began to think about recent prayers that my leader and I had been praying, for me to find my own way, following not in other's footsteps, but just my own.
Then I came up behind two Mozambican women walking ahead of me, and I began to search for their footsteps, in symbolism of knitting myself to their lives and their ways; in desire to give myself more to people here. As I walked a distance behind them I prayed for spiritual things, for God to enlarge my selfish heart and my capacity to hold His love for them.
And then He showed me that some of the very the things I have been wrestling with here – the need to be known, and seen, and heard, and loved for who I am – are the very things that He is calling me to do for others. Thank God for His grace to gently and persistently call us outside of ourselves. To see those around us. And to walk not just for ourselves.
Lord, give us more grace to walk this road together.
Pieces of me
I don't know if other people are like this, but I know there are many pieces of me. For example, I will sometimes sign my name to an email 'Africa Jen' if I'm writing an update from a place of full-standing in that calling. Or maybe I am connecting with my identity as a worshipper – Worshipper Jen. Or needing to affirm my place as a daughter of the king: God's Jen. And what I'm anxious to find out is – did all the pieces make it across the ocean?
As I am settling into daily Living Life here in this new place, different parts of me begin to surface. The other day I felt playful and I wondered 'does that jen have a place here'? Is there a someone, or a somewhere, or a somehow that will allow me to be that jen here? How about a Leader? A Follower, for sure, as I came to be mentored and to learn. Just last night I felt myself awakened again to the piece of me that intercedes (prays for others). 'oh, yeah… I am that too'. And it was good, it felt like I had been reunited with a very dear friend, and I am starting to move in that way again.
It appears that God is awakening each of these in proper time as He helps me see their place here and I find my being. I do think all parts of me crossed that ocean. And I think to come and serve at the Ray of Light project is a great way to utilize all of yourself because it is so varied and the leaders are so encouraging to helping you bring all of yourself to the table, to give as you are uniquely equipped to give. What's more exciting is that I suspect God, in His infinite wisdom, has brought me here to show me even the new pieces of who I am in Him… Jen of Contentment… Healing... Life of the party… fearless… And to strengthen and affirm other pieces… servant… Warrior Jen… Jen of compassion… Songwriter… friend of God. Amazing stuff. Aren't words of identity powerful? Praying you will be reminded and connect with some of yours today.
As I am settling into daily Living Life here in this new place, different parts of me begin to surface. The other day I felt playful and I wondered 'does that jen have a place here'? Is there a someone, or a somewhere, or a somehow that will allow me to be that jen here? How about a Leader? A Follower, for sure, as I came to be mentored and to learn. Just last night I felt myself awakened again to the piece of me that intercedes (prays for others). 'oh, yeah… I am that too'. And it was good, it felt like I had been reunited with a very dear friend, and I am starting to move in that way again.
It appears that God is awakening each of these in proper time as He helps me see their place here and I find my being. I do think all parts of me crossed that ocean. And I think to come and serve at the Ray of Light project is a great way to utilize all of yourself because it is so varied and the leaders are so encouraging to helping you bring all of yourself to the table, to give as you are uniquely equipped to give. What's more exciting is that I suspect God, in His infinite wisdom, has brought me here to show me even the new pieces of who I am in Him… Jen of Contentment… Healing... Life of the party… fearless… And to strengthen and affirm other pieces… servant… Warrior Jen… Jen of compassion… Songwriter… friend of God. Amazing stuff. Aren't words of identity powerful? Praying you will be reminded and connect with some of yours today.
Hands holding
Last year I wrote about an experience I had the first day we toured the project, when we visited the 1st grade classroom. We sat in the desks as their teacher and my teacher explained from the front about the class, the school, the education philosophy, what they are learning, how many were enrolled, etc, etc. I remembered nothing afterwards but the experience I had with one of the children – a blinking game with the wide-eyed girl in front of me who had turned around in her seat to see me. Yesterday I had the same surreal experience. Which I didn’t realize until today when Janine referred to the bakery site we had visited yesterday... The bakery that is being built near the preschool classrooms in Mafarania. ‘Oh, yeah, um I do remember you saying we were stopping to see it and then walking up by the classrooms…’ but by the time I reached center court I had a large entourage of children walking with me – each of them trying to hold a piece of my hand. I am certain we did make it to our designated tour spot and I am certain the bakery slab was there as my teacher had said, but I certainly do not remember anything but how big the smile on my face was as I looked down at my own personal mob of love. I am certain these are the ones Jesus had in mind when He said ‘Let the little children come to me’. What a beautiful thing that He shared them with me that day. I will never be the same. And the bakery will be there another day.
Being molded
From something that is, to something that is yet to be.
Something that I’ve realized is that I feel everything. Physical, emotional, I am in tune with where / how my body, my heart, my spirit is changing. Every movement of my becoming.
To picture it as me on the potter’s wheel is to feel it each day and each day to face a choice to stay on that wheel. To just remain here, in the moment, every day, whatever may come. To not anesthetize the discomfort of the gradual changing. It is not a harsh, sudden, painful process, but it is a process and I must choose to remain a part of it.
Honestly, I have been feeling this slight but constant discomfort every day since I arrived. Just today I recognized what that feeling is – it is the feeling I had when I returned last fall from my two-week trip here. I knew God was up to something, bringing changes in me and my life path. Honestly, it was agony – the waiting, the watching to see what this metamorphosis would produce. Yeah, this week feels a little like that.
A new beginning and a new becoming. It’s good, I'm sure.
Something that I’ve realized is that I feel everything. Physical, emotional, I am in tune with where / how my body, my heart, my spirit is changing. Every movement of my becoming.
To picture it as me on the potter’s wheel is to feel it each day and each day to face a choice to stay on that wheel. To just remain here, in the moment, every day, whatever may come. To not anesthetize the discomfort of the gradual changing. It is not a harsh, sudden, painful process, but it is a process and I must choose to remain a part of it.
Honestly, I have been feeling this slight but constant discomfort every day since I arrived. Just today I recognized what that feeling is – it is the feeling I had when I returned last fall from my two-week trip here. I knew God was up to something, bringing changes in me and my life path. Honestly, it was agony – the waiting, the watching to see what this metamorphosis would produce. Yeah, this week feels a little like that.
A new beginning and a new becoming. It’s good, I'm sure.
How did I get here?
On one hand I have no idea. I have never aspired to being a missionary – the “m” word – mmm, no, thanks. A stereotype and lifestyle that I thought just didn’t fit. And I certainly didn’t grow up thinking about being a missionary in Africa. No, no, that was the thing I would loft up to the sky when making promises to God.. “yes, God, I’ll do anything for you… even go to Africa". Certainly not reality.
Or… maybe I do know how I got here… maybe it was prayers just like that. Maybe it is a God who takes these prayers as opportunities to produce in us deeper surrender, deeper dependence, deeper love…
Maybe it was the lyrics Diane Theil wrote that I sang from my heart time after time…
If you say go, we will go
If you say wait, we will wait
If you say step out on the water
And they say it can’t be done
We’ll fix our eyes on You and we will come
Okay, yeah, maybe it was something Just. Like. That. God hears us, friends. And takes us at our word when we “say yes”. And I am here. This I know.
Or… maybe I do know how I got here… maybe it was prayers just like that. Maybe it is a God who takes these prayers as opportunities to produce in us deeper surrender, deeper dependence, deeper love…
Everything I know about a personal relationship with Jesus Christ begins and ends with surrender — with saying yes to God. That tiny, simple word initiates an exhilarating, life-altering adventure that will take you places you never thought you’d go — both literally and figuratively. [Kay Warren, Dangerous Surrender]
Maybe it was the lyrics Diane Theil wrote that I sang from my heart time after time…
If you say go, we will go
If you say wait, we will wait
If you say step out on the water
And they say it can’t be done
We’ll fix our eyes on You and we will come
Okay, yeah, maybe it was something Just. Like. That. God hears us, friends. And takes us at our word when we “say yes”. And I am here. This I know.
Denver time
Hi Friends
just a quick note --
i fly out (along with Cathy McFadden) to Denver tomorrow morning to attend the annual meeting of Children's Relief staff/board. i'll meet these people who are partly responsible for God changing my life in Africa. they'll meet me, i'll sit in on their debriefing and vision casting for this year. i'll meet others who are coming on staff. and i'll meet with Alan and Melody about setting up logistics for going back!
for those who haven't heard... i'll be returning to Mozambique this summer for 2 months to assist Janine with hosting the 2-week teams.
w/o going into more detail or getting ahead of myself, i'd just like to ask you to pray a couple things --
* that i wouldn't go work to hard to make a good first impression or establish relationships or find the holes to fit into, but that'd i'd just GO AND BE MYSELF. and let God take care of all the other stuff.
* pray i can just relax and enjoy this ride!
thanks for your prayers and support -- i so value your participation in this adventure.
jen
just a quick note --
i fly out (along with Cathy McFadden) to Denver tomorrow morning to attend the annual meeting of Children's Relief staff/board. i'll meet these people who are partly responsible for God changing my life in Africa. they'll meet me, i'll sit in on their debriefing and vision casting for this year. i'll meet others who are coming on staff. and i'll meet with Alan and Melody about setting up logistics for going back!
for those who haven't heard... i'll be returning to Mozambique this summer for 2 months to assist Janine with hosting the 2-week teams.
w/o going into more detail or getting ahead of myself, i'd just like to ask you to pray a couple things --
* that i wouldn't go work to hard to make a good first impression or establish relationships or find the holes to fit into, but that'd i'd just GO AND BE MYSELF. and let God take care of all the other stuff.
* pray i can just relax and enjoy this ride!
thanks for your prayers and support -- i so value your participation in this adventure.
jen
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