The Struggle in the Calling

My friend Becky says i need to start talking about it. i do not know
how. i think that i am, whenever i have an interaction w/someone, but
it is sorely incomplete and i feel loss for words. is it an utter
inability to fully identify and process what i'm feeling...to get all
these things that are stuck in my head out where i can look at them. this is my attempt to do that...

it is true i am in a state of bliss after this trip. a new place of
freedom and life. a boldness, a fearlessness with the Lord about just
living. just being. a simplicity to love Him and live each day, in the
moment. yes, all these things are true. but there are also other
things under the surface that are just as true. but elusive.

i identified the other day an underlying sense of sadness that i feel.
and tonight i realize it has added to it low-grade mental anquish.
agony. could these be the right words to describe? let's consult
dictionary.com --

ag·o·ny [ag-uh-nee] –noun, plural -nies.
1. extreme and generally prolonged pain; intense physical or mental suffering.
2. a display or outburst of intense mental or emotional excitement: an
agony of joy.
3. the struggle preceding natural death: mortal agony.
4. a violent struggle.
5. (often initial capital letter) Theology. the sufferings of Christ
in the garden of Gethsemane.

definition #2 speaks to the fact that there can be various emotions
tied to it, not just anquish (i.e. acute distress, suffering, torture)
but how about the flip side of joy, just around the corner perhaps.
definition #5 refers to Jesus in the garden. His momentary agony for
the eternal joy. perhaps this is most like my struggle. i do feel this
struggle is preceding something significant. it is something to be
gotten through, not avoided. definition #3 intrigues me (though not for natural death, not to worry).

but i ask that you would help pray me through this struggle. the struggle
involves finding God's calling for me. i have never felt Him calling
before, this is all new for me. for the first time in my life i think
He may have a specific job/place for me to go. He has always used me
where i am, i think, and those places were even in His plan, but this
feels like the first time He's showing me something significant, a
place He's prepared for me, and will i step into it.

i have kept close contact with my CRI host Janine since returning,
primarily as one of my new favorite people, but partially as my link
to all this. ...she suggested to me the other day coming to work w/her
next summer for a few months... i don't know all the logistics of how
this could work (and if it could work with my job, my rent, etc), but
i think my first step is even to evaluate if this is God calling me. i
can say honestly that it makes the most sense lining up with the
struggle in me.

God planted something of Africa in my heart a long time ago - drawing
me with the music, the colors, the drums, the dress, i don't know how
to say this, but strangely and unexplainably going there felt like
'home' in a way. this is a such an inadequate way to describe it and
feels too romanticized to say it like that, but it's the only way i
can figure out how to put it into words. and now that i have returned
i acknowledge that i have left a piece of my heart there. it feels
like there is work left to be done for me over there.

i haven't talked much about the worship seminar i did on the last day
there... because it was so unglamorous and felt far less than one
would hope. we spent most of the day in open discussion about some of
their 'issues' as a team, not only frustration in logistics of
leadership and practice times, but issues of trust and love for fellow
team members. these were clearly issues they needed to be talking
about and i'm glad to have provided a place to do that, but it really
only served to leave me with this perspective that what they needed
was someone to model these things and help navigate them through the
daily stuff. and teaching abilities to help move them forward in their
skill levels on their instruments. these are the things i think i can
bring and suspect God may be holding this out to me, but i haven't
fully reconciled this possibility with the fact that it's AFRICA and
that would mean leaving life here for a while.

so i really haven't fully accepted that this is really what's going on -- if
i knew for certain He was calling ME to go, and be who i am, there, it
would be much harder to have the struggle -- because i would KNOW this
is what i had to do. and, for me, once God speaks clearly, i really
can't do anything but obey. so for now i listen and try to discern
what He's saying. and i feel the strain and the struggle.

an·guish [ang-gwish] –noun
3. to suffer, feel, or exhibit anguish: to anguish over the loss of a loved one.
[Origin: 1175–1225; ME anguisse < OF < L angustia tight place, equiv.
to angust(us) narrow + -ia -ia; cf. anxious; akin to anger]

—Synonyms 1. agony, torment, torture. See pain.
—Antonyms 1. delight, comfort, relief.

and so here i wait. and i ask for prayer, knowing and holding onto the
promise of hope in the delight, comfort, and relief that comes from
knowing one's purpose and finally saying yes, not just in obedience,
but in loving submission to your Maker.

lyrics from that song Janine sang over me one night during circle time...

"i have a maker.
he formed my heart.
before even time began
my life was in His hands."

thanks for listening. please grab me and pray for me next time you see me!
jen

Eph 4